Unselfish Love

The world would be a happier place if we could learn to love each other more unselfishly. Love, real love, is like the motor oil of relationships: it reduces the friction between two people and heals hearts. When I am filled with love, I cannot be offended. Understanding comes easily, forgiveness comes naturally, and I feel more at peace with myself. I am even willing to make great personal sacrifices when occasion requires.

There are many different feelings encompassed by the term "love." Some of them aren't actually love at all, but simply masks for sexual desire. Such is not the "love" I am referring to.

Romantic love is idealized in poems and songs, stories and movies. It is the focus of much of our attention as a society, and it is easy for anyone who has ever loved to understand why this might be. Falling in love can be one of life's greatest experiences, a "natural" high comparable to few others. There is something quite amazing about being completely connected to another person in every way, on every level.

In ideal situations, falling in love means never falling out again. But reality is not always ideal. The excitement and effortless unselfishness associated with new romantic love must at some point confront the difficult realities of life. Every relationship requires work if it is to last, if it is to remain strong. We may be required at times to give more than we receive, and the reasons we are initially attracted to someone may disappear with time. Beauty fades, people change and life brings unexpected pain. The more unselfishly we love, the more likely our romantic relationships will be to withstand such opposition.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, hearts get broken. Some breaches of trust cannot be healed. Yet even in such cases we can continue to love, because there is a difference between loving someone and allowing them to be a part of our lives.

What does it mean to love unselfishly, either in a romantic relationship or otherwise? I was reading a book recently called "Chasing the Dragon" by Jackie Pullinger, in which the author described a kind of love that she had never felt before:

After some time I was able to understand and was surprised by what I saw in myself. It was as if God had given special love for [this disadvantaged boy] and I was meant to show it, though it was not necessarily an emotion that should or could be returned. This love was for his good; it was quite different from any love for other people that I had before, where I had always wanted something in return. I had never before loved somebody entirely for his benefit without caring what he felt for me.

When we love unselfishly, we can continue to love even when we are hurt or disappointed, even when we are afraid to trust and uncertain what the future might bring. We can think not just of ourselves and our own happiness, but of others. That kind of love is the greatest of all, because it does not depend on the behavior of another person: it is unconditional. I feel that kind of love for my children, and I believe God feels it for me.