The Skating Lesson

Yesterday I joined my son's third grade class on a field trip to a local ice skating rink. I'm always search for metaphors that can help me understand life, and I found quite a few while I was observing him and his classmates. Most of them had very little skating experience, and when we first stepped onto the ice there were more kids lying on the ground than standing up. Here are some of the observations I made that I think are applicable to both skating and life:

-Learning how to get back up after you fall is one of the most important skills you can possess

-You learn how to catch yourself when you start to lose your balance long before you learn how to stay in balance

-Natural talent can go a long way: when I complimented a little girl who seemed to be one of the best skaters, she surprised me by saying, "This was my first time!"

-Comparing yourself to others often results in frustration and discouragement. If you've made even a little progress, you should be happy with your performance.

-The kids who weren't afraid of falling (taking risks) learned faster than the kids who took the timid approach.

-The kids who took the time to compliment my son even though he was struggling made his day (and mine).

-Sometimes you just need to sit down and rest for a while.

-You won't learn if someone's always holding you and is there to catch you every time you fall. You have to struggle on your own to discover your true abilities.

-Don't take it too seriously. Learn from your mistakes, be kind to others and have a little fun along the way!

Memorable Moments

Last night my 9-year-old son asked me to teach him how to play basketball. His friends at school are started to play "Elimination" at recess and he would like to be able to join them. We have a basketball hoop in our driveway that rarely gets used (I won it at a company party about twelve years ago). I pulled a vehicle out of the driveway so we would have room to play, and we found two basketballs and a volleyball in our garage.

I immediately realized that basketball is one of those things I can do, but I don't really know how I do it (which makes it hard to teach). My son is also left-handed, but he seemed to prefer shooting right-handed. We tried several different techniques and he struggled just to get the basketball as high as the rim. I tried lowering the hoop, but it seems that 10 feet is as low as it can go. We played for about an hour, and in that entire time he made exactly one basket ... with the volleyball. He was cheerful and happy the whole time, though, and it was actually pretty fun. It felt a little like a "rite of passage."

Recently my son and I have had several "memorable moments" like that. He won the 3rd grade spelling bee a couple of months ago, which also seemed like a "right of passage" because I used to compete in spelling bees when I was younger. For weeks afterward he carried his trophy around the house with him. He also asked me to teach him how to play chess recently, and at first I either beat him or let him win, but in a very short time he got pretty good and beat me in a legitimate game. As he gets older we'll have many more opportunities to spend quality time together, and I'm looking forward to them all.

Friendship

With all of the technological advances the world has seen in recent years, no one has yet invented an adequate substitute for a friend. Some innovations, like Facebook, succeed precisely because they allow people to connect with friends in new and different ways. "Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is ... to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, and to be appreciated." Technology may provide entertainment, but understanding and appreciation can't be found in virtual realities.

I have been abundantly blessed with good friends throughout my life, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without the amazing people whose companionship and support molded my character and carried me through my darkest times. There are no legal obligations requiring friends to remain in each others' lives, yet many of my longest and deepest relationships have persisted solely on the basis of mutual willingness.

Even "obligatory" family relationships can benefit from being built on a foundation of friendship. You're expected to love your parents and siblings, but can you say you like them? Marriages, too, are best when friendship and love are intertwined, and when in the midst of raising kids and dealing with the pressures of life husbands and wives would rather be together than apart.

Very few things in life can exceed the value of a loyal friend. I'm grateful for the good friends with whom I have shared joys and sorrows, who were never offended when I said or did things I regretted, who knew my weaknesses but defended me anyway, and who were always there for me when I needed help or when I just needed someone to talk to.

The Alchemist

I just finished one of the most thought-provoking books I've ever read: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. The story is extraordinarily simple but deep and difficult to understand at the same time. Its precepts are an interesting mix of motivational theory and religion, but while I was reading it I kept finding quotes that jumped off the page and hit me like electricity. In some ways it felt like reading the Bible: I didn't understand everything, but I knew it was filled with wisdom.

When I finish reading most books I have a very clear idea of what they were about, and when people ask me about them I can summarize the basic concepts in a way that makes sense. The Alchemist is not one of those books, so all I can do is recommend reading it and let the book speak for itself. Here's a taste of what you'll find:

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."

"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary."

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

"When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."

"Fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand."

"The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

"When we love, we always strive to be better than we are."

Inspiration

Human beings naturally yearn to be inspired, to be infused with hope, to feel fully alive, and to believe that there's something better than this world that can be used to make this world better. When our hearts are in tune we can find inspiration everywhere we go, and we can find joy even in the midst of difficulties.

A few years ago I felt weighed down by some of the challenges I was facing in life. I was numb, and I longed for the happiness I had once taken for granted. Trying to keep myself distracted from the very real pain I felt inside simply wasn't working anymore, and when I sought solutions through introspection and increased self-awareness I ran into a dead end. I remember driving on the freeway one night and crying as I felt the hopelessness of my situation; I had everything I thought I needed to be happy, but I wasn't. That was the moment I realized that if I gave my heart to God, He could make it new.

The process of change took time, and in many ways it is still continuing, but slowly I began to surrender my pride and I allowed God to direct me more than I had before. I've been happier in recent months than I've been in a long time, and I can feel grace in my life again. My relationships are better than they've ever been, and I'm learning that focusing on the needs of others can make me far happier than thinking only about myself.

I'm also learning that the inspiration and hope I felt I was living without had been there all along, but I couldn't see it because I wasn't living true to my heart. Now I'm finding joy in works of art, music, nature, books and the kind words of others. Little things like an hour spent on the phone with a friend or playing with my children can leave me feeling full and wanting to share light with others. With the heart, everything in life can be a source of inspiration.

Good Neighbors and The Power of Prayer

Today I'm feeling grateful for good neighbors and the power of prayer. A couple of weeks ago there was a very wet snowstorm that broke a few tree limbs in my back yard. This past weekend the weather was finally nice enough for me to clean up the branches, but I had a busy day and was concerned I wouldn't be able to fit everything in. I was also worried that my chainsaw wouldn't start, because I hadn't used in since last August and had made the mistake of leaving gas in it (which can be very bad for small engines).

My neighbor had offered to help me with the project, and he and his kids started pruning the smaller branches while I went to get gas and oil for my chainsaw. By the time I got home they had completed their work, and I started to get the saw ready. I was quite worried that it wouldn't start, because it has given me a lot of trouble in the past. So I said a quiet prayer.

I believe that every prayer is answered in some way, even if the answer is "no" or "not this time" or "not yet," and even though I was praying for something relatively trivial I believe God cared about it because I cared about it. And, amazingly, the chainsaw started within a few pulls (it's never started so easily before). It reminded me a little of the time my car started to overheat. I looked at the temperature gauge and prayed, and watched in amazement as the needle moved from "hot" to "cold" in a matter of seconds. I've never seen anything like it before or since, and it may have just been a faulty gauge ... but I still consider it a miracle. Sometimes I wish all my prayers could be answered so quickly and exactly, but God works in mysterious ways.

With a running chainsaw and my neighbor's help I was able to complete my backyard tree project very quickly, leaving plenty of time for the rest of the activities I had planned that day. Just that morning I had told my wife that, with the exception of cutting those tree limbs, I was expecting to have an enjoyable day. But as it turned out, doing that work was the best part of my day because of an answered prayer and a neighbor who cared enough to reach outside himself.

Eternal Love

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." -Psalm 31:7

When life brings disappointments I sometimes find myself longing for the safety I once felt while being held in my parents' arms. My accessible memories don't extend back that far, of course, but I can imagine how warm and comfortable it must feel to be wrapped in a blanket and encircled in the arms of someone who loves me and has only my best interests at heart.

When roads lead to dead ends, when darkness gathers, when suffering seems unbearable, when we can only stand by and watch while someone we love endures hardships, we must remember that we are never alone. We may be rejected by others, but we will never be rejected by God. His love for us is unconditional, and He has our best interests at heart. Our plans and projects may fail, our hopes and desires may come to nothing, but when we rely on His strength we will ultimately succeed in the things that matter most.

Victor Hugo said, "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved." This happiness is available to everyone, for though we may find ourselves feeling alone or unworthy of love at times, there is a Being who holds us in His hands. He can offer us comfort and safety in the midst of trials, and He understands the losses we have experienced. He knows our names, He knows our struggles, and He knows the secret pains we carry in our hearts. His way is not easy, but He invites us to come unto Him and be healed. When we trust in His eternal love we can be made whole.

A Musical Mystery

Music is one of my favorite hobbies, and every once in a while I enjoy solving a mystery (especially when the consequences of not solving it are minimal). Recently I investigated two musical puzzles. The first has to do with the song "Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell. This song was composed for the first Twilight movie and a slightly ornamented cover of the piano version can be found here:

http://j.mp/twilightbella

I am currently learning to play this song on the piano, and the rhythm is a bit tricky but I like the music. There seems to be quite a bit of confusion surrounding this track, though. When I searched on YouTube many of the videos titled "Bella's Lullaby" actually featured a song by a Korean pianist named Yiruma called "River Flows In You." As far as I can tell there is no official association between Yiruma and Twilight. I'm not sure exactly how these songs came to be associated in people's minds, but I read a few comments like, "This is what the song Bella's Lullaby should have sounded like." Here is a video of the Yiruma song:

http://j.mp/yarumi

The second mystery I investigated has to do with the song "Truman Sleeps," which was composed by Philip Glass for the soundtrack of "The Truman Show." The song is quite beautiful, but on almost every version I could find on the Internet the end is cut off. This intrigued me, so I tracked down the original on YouTube and finally understood why. It's possible that the ending made sense within the context of the movie, but listening to it by itself left me with the impression that Truman's sleep was interrupted by a nightmare. The original version of the song can be found here:

http://j.mp/tsleep

and a sheet music arrangement can be found here:

http://j.mp/tsleeps

I printed this music and played it a few nights ago. When I got to the ending my daughter, who was getting ready for bed, walked up to the piano and said, "Please don't play that while I'm trying to fall asleep." I actually couldn't blame her, because it is quite dissonant, and so I decided to throw away the second page and just end the song on an A-flat major chord after playing through the first page (making my own "cut off" version of the song).

So there you have it, everything you never wanted to know about the songs "Bella's Lullaby" and "Truman Sleeps"!

Surrender

I prayed for my burden to be removed,
and instead you made it light.
I prayed for an escape from tribulation,
and instead you gave me strength to endure.
I prayed for an end to the storms around me,
and instead you sent me inner peace.
I prayed for an end to my suffering,
and instead you sent me a friend.

If you'd given me exactly what I'd asked for
I would have missed out
on the greater blessings
you had in store.
Thank you for answering my prayers
in your own way and your own time.
Your wisdom is greater than my own,
and I surrender to your will.

"Me" Time

All of us are carrying heaving loads, and sometimes life pulls us in so many directions that we find ourselves sacrificing important personal needs to satisfy the demands of others. This may be acceptable in the short-term, to get through a period of unusual stress, but in the long term it can take a serious toll on our mental and physical health. It can also affect our relationships as our internal imbalances make their way to the surface and taint our interactions with loved ones.

Everyone's definition of "me" time is different. Some people may prefer solitude while others seek more social escapes. I find that exercise is essential to my physical and mental health, and I also try to spend a little time each day reading, writing or playing the piano. Sometimes I go for a drive and leave the radio off so I can be alone with my thoughts. These activities help keep my stress levels manageable, and I am much more enjoyable to be around when I'm able to do a few things for myself each day.

It might seem selfish to take "me" time when there are other seemingly more important things to be done, but a 5, 10, or 15 minute "break" can do wonders for your ability to react to the challenges of life. There's a reason airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting children with theirs: you aren't much good to anyone if you're passed out on the floor, and if you find yourself emotionally asphyxiated you aren't much good to the people around you, either. A walk, a relaxing bath or shower, a few minutes alone to commune with God, a short nap, a favorite song or TV show--even taking a moment to gaze at a sunset or at the moon or stars--can do wonders for your happiness and, in turn, for the happiness of those around you.

Written in Stone

Today I spent some time at the cemetery. I go there periodically to think, pray, meditate and--ironically--to contemplate life. It's a peaceful place where I can escape for a little while and be alone with my thoughts. As I walked through the rows of headstones I noticed that many of them contained moving words and poems. The following phrases especially caught my attention:

On the grave of a six year old girl: "budded on earth, to bloom in heaven"
On the grave of a two year old girl: "our sweetheart"
On the grave of a nine year old girl: "our Rosa that lived a little hour, we prize beyond the earthly flower"
On the grave of a 25 year old woman: "if tears could build a stairway and memories build a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven, and bring you home again"

Some tombstones contained information about jobs, hobbies, military service and other life accomplishments. On one couple's headstone were written the immortal words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning: " ... and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." (I have read those words before, but seeing them written on a tombstone increased their impact.) Many grave markers also contained short phrases such as:

Beloved son
Cherished father
Respected brother
Loyal friend
Eternal sweethearts
Forever loved
Never forgotten

Such words of love and regret are memorials to the dead written by the living. I hope to be similarly honored after I'm gone, but for the words on my tombstone to be sincere and meaningful they must be the heartfelt expressions of the loved ones I've left behind. To leave a legacy of uplifting words written in stone, I must spend a lifetime expressing love to the people who matter most to me.

The Path of Least Resistance

When one of my daughters was younger she seemed to be a "magnet" for illness and injury. As a toddler she spent a week in the hospital because of a severe infection. Later she was stung by a wasp and a wood bee (on separate occasions), nearly had her foot broken in an unfortunate incident involving our dining room chairs, and had a severe allergic reaction to a mosquito bite. I'm not sure why she experienced so many difficulties at such a young age, and a part of me wishes I could have protected her from them. But it seems that God had different plans.

I've often felt God's protecting influence in my life, but there have also been times when He's allowed me to experience the negative consequences of my own mistakes or simply to suffer for no apparent reason. While my struggles are often accompanied by feelings of confusion, fear and frustration, in my moments of clarity I consider it a blessing that I am not in charge of every aspect of my life. My natural tendency would be to seek the path of least resistance, but the seeds of my greatest opportunities have often been sown in the midst of my greatest difficulties. Just as my muscles would atrophy without the constant resistance presented by gravity, my soul would atrophy without the constant resistance presented by adversity.

The trials in my life are not arbitrary, nor am I left to face them alone. When my own strength is exhausted I can rely on God's. There is no wound He cannot heal, no pain He has not borne. There is nothing broken that He cannot make whole again. He has all power, He rules fairly and grants the wisdom to act and the faith to endure. God could allow me to walk the path of least resistance, but He wants me to reach my true potential. And in my moments of clarity I am grateful that He loves me enough to allow me to suffer.

Commitment

The dictionary defines the word "commit" in the following manner: "to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; to commit oneself to a promise; to be committed to a course of action."

Commitment involves staying the course through the ups and downs of life. This may require making significant sacrifices--giving up habits, possessions, time or long-enjoyed comforts--for the sake of a higher goal and a better future. Such sacrifices, like most things in life worth having, are rarely easy.

Commitment in romantic relationships requires us to place the needs of another person above our own desires. Mutual self-interest may be enough to start a new relationship, but it won't remain strong for long unless a foundation of mutual sacrifice is built. Commitment makes it possible for two people to withstand the ebbs and flows of romance, the pressures of every day living and the inevitable changes that occur as the years go by.

When we commit to another person or course of action we are making a promise that will persist even when difficulties arise. If we "commit" to a goal but give up the first time we encounter an obstacle, or "commit" to a relationship but run away at the first sign of trouble, then we aren't really committed. True commitment is strengthened when it is put to the test.

Judgment

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Heroes in movies and stories often seem to know exactly how to "save the day" while maintaining their integrity, but real life seldom presents us with moral absolutes. Even when the answers seem obvious, finding the courage to act can be extremely difficult. Sometimes the decisions we've made in the past can limit our options, and other times we may find ourselves having to choose between loyalty to people and loyalty to principle.

A friend of mine found herself facing this type of ethical dilemma many years ago. She was working for a large company and came in one day to find a co-worker's suicide note among some papers on her desk. Her co-worker had killed himself by driving his car straight into the side of a cliff, and his family stood to receive a large life insurance payoff unless it could be proven that he had committed suicide. The note was given to my friend specifically because her co-worker felt he could trust her not to disclose the information to the insurance investigators or to the police. So she found herself having to choose between honoring her dead co-worker's trust--thereby ensuring that his grieving family would be provided for--or disclosing the existence of the note. I'm not even going to pretend that I would have known how to act if I had been in her shoes, and the right answer is anything but clear. I'm not familiar with all of the details and circumstances surrounding the situation, either, so it's difficult for me to pass judgment. But I will say that my friend chose to keep the suicide note a secret, justifying her actions in part by the fact that no one involved in the investigation asked her directly about its existence.

The natural tendency is to judge others even when we don't have all the facts, but if we truly took the time to understand the situation and the people involved we might not be so quick to condemn. Often choices that appear "black and white" only seem that way because we're seeing them from a distance. We cannot know the hidden wounds that others carry, nor can we fully appreciate the struggles they've faced. Each of us is imperfect and will one day be held accountable before a heavenly tribunal that will examine our hearts. We will be judged fairly and granted a harvest, for good or ill, based on the seeds we have sown throughout our lives. Until that day the vast majority of our judgments should be self-judgments.

Relationships

When my children were younger I used punishments and rewards to get them to do what I wanted. As they grew older I began to develop better relationships with them and learned that they were much more likely to listen to me when I took the time to understand them and to showed them that I respected them. They, in turn, began to respect me, and now when I ask them to do something they are much more likely to listen. I still use punishments and rewards in certain cases, but when my relationships with my children are on solid ground I don't usually have to resort to such measures.

Similarly, when I take the time to invest in my relationship with my wife the results can be quite amazing. When we're not communicating or spending time together, even little things can lead to big fights. But when we're treating each other the way we should--when we're talking openly about our feelings and seeking to truly understand one other--even large obstacles can be easily avoided. When I feel loved I'm less likely to be offended, and my wife and I can have difficult conversations about parenting, money or in-laws without having them turn into arguments.

In many areas of life the natural tendency is to focus on differences. Quite often those differences are a very small part of our relationships, yet somehow they seem to occupy the bulk of our time and attention. Religions, governments, businesses and marriages could all benefit from a "common ground" approach to resolving conflict. Focusing exclusively on differences has a tendency to polarize two parties, but increased understanding can be gained when discussions about sensitive issues are preceded by a review of areas of agreement.

The best things in life never come easy, and relationships are no exception. However, they can bring us incredible joy if we take the time to invest in them. Often it's the little things that matter most: quality time, kind words, thoughtful gestures, listening, caring, and seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. These small investments can strengthen our relationships so that they can withstand the storms of life.