Keeping the Romance Alive

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." -Henry David Thoreau

All relationships ebb and flow, bringing varying degrees of joy and sadness. Sometimes love fades over time, and sometimes it becomes deeper and more satisfying. Sometimes love feels effortless, especially when it's new, but all relationships require work to remain strong.

Keeping your marriage healthy and keeping the romance alive can be some of the most satisfying and rewarding work you will ever do. At times it may be tempting to put your marriage on "cruise control," because when things are going well you don't have to constantly think about the status of your relationship. However, "coasting" in marriage can lead to "drift" over time, and if you neglect your relationship for too long you may find that the two of you are heading in the wrong direction, or in different directions. It's better to make small adjustments along the way than to wait until things are really broken before attempting to fix them.

In this article I'm going to focus on three things that will help keep your romance alive: words, attentiveness and habits. Underlying each of these areas are the essential ingredients of every successful relationship: kindness and a sincere desire for the happiness of another person.

Words are a powerful way to show love, and when misused they can wound deeply. Sometimes as husbands and wives settle into routines and feel "comfortable" with each other they neglect the words of affirmation they both need to hear. But in a marriage relationship it's your job to meet all your spouse's needs for romantic love, and if you neglect those responsibilities your spouse cannot be completely happy. Words are an essential part of creating a sense of connectedness and ongoing commitment. Tell her she's beautiful and thank her for doing the little things she does every day, especially the ones you've learned to take for granted. Treat everything he or she says as if it's important, because it is. Tell him you appreciate his efforts to provide for his family and keep the house in good repair, even if he sometimes falls short. Set aside time to talk each day, and remember that body language and tone of voice are just as important as saying the right words. Talk through differences and conflicts before they become bigger, more volatile issues. Try to understand the perspective of your spouse and put yourself in his or her shoes. Call and send emails, write notes and send text messages. Treat her like she matters, and she'll do the same for you.

Attentiveness is the hallmark of a loving partner. What woman wouldn't want you to take her on dates the way you did when you first met? Open the door for her, treat her like a princess and remind her that she's wanted and loved. Tell him he has what it takes as a husband, father and provider. Build him up and make your home into a sanctuary where he can escape and feel safe and comfortable. Make her life easier by pitching in at home. Give her the attention you did when you were dating, and make sure you're spending enough time at home so that you can be there for her when she needs you.

Human beings are creatures of habit. If you can create good habits that allow you to spend time together and communicate without having to think about it, your marriage will be stronger and the "work" required to maintain a good relationship will feel like play. Little everyday habits can form a strong foundation that will lead to greater fulfillment. With a healthier marriage you'll both be happier and more prepared to face the other challenges in your lives. You'll feel more complete, and your children will have better childhoods and better examples for their future relationships. Few things in life are more rewarding than a happy marriage, and few things yield such a high return on investment.

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is Love." -Sophocles