"There is no remedy for love but to love more." -Henry David Thoreau
All relationships ebb and flow, bringing varying degrees of joy and sadness. Sometimes love fades over time, and sometimes it becomes deeper and more satisfying. Sometimes love feels effortless, especially when it's new, but all relationships require work to remain strong.
Keeping your marriage healthy and keeping the romance alive can be some of the most satisfying and rewarding work you will ever do. At times it may be tempting to put your marriage on "cruise control," because when things are going well you don't have to constantly think about the status of your relationship. However, "coasting" in marriage can lead to "drift" over time, and if you neglect your relationship for too long you may find that the two of you are heading in the wrong direction, or in different directions. It's better to make small adjustments along the way than to wait until things are really broken before attempting to fix them.
In this article I'm going to focus on three things that will help keep your romance alive: words, attentiveness and habits. Underlying each of these areas are the essential ingredients of every successful relationship: kindness and a sincere desire for the happiness of another person.
Words are a powerful way to show love, and when misused they can wound deeply. Sometimes as husbands and wives settle into routines and feel "comfortable" with each other they neglect the words of affirmation they both need to hear. But in a marriage relationship it's your job to meet all your spouse's needs for romantic love, and if you neglect those responsibilities your spouse cannot be completely happy. Words are an essential part of creating a sense of connectedness and ongoing commitment. Tell her she's beautiful and thank her for doing the little things she does every day, especially the ones you've learned to take for granted. Treat everything he or she says as if it's important, because it is. Tell him you appreciate his efforts to provide for his family and keep the house in good repair, even if he sometimes falls short. Set aside time to talk each day, and remember that body language and tone of voice are just as important as saying the right words. Talk through differences and conflicts before they become bigger, more volatile issues. Try to understand the perspective of your spouse and put yourself in his or her shoes. Call and send emails, write notes and send text messages. Treat her like she matters, and she'll do the same for you.
Attentiveness is the hallmark of a loving partner. What woman wouldn't want you to take her on dates the way you did when you first met? Open the door for her, treat her like a princess and remind her that she's wanted and loved. Tell him he has what it takes as a husband, father and provider. Build him up and make your home into a sanctuary where he can escape and feel safe and comfortable. Make her life easier by pitching in at home. Give her the attention you did when you were dating, and make sure you're spending enough time at home so that you can be there for her when she needs you.
Human beings are creatures of habit. If you can create good habits that allow you to spend time together and communicate without having to think about it, your marriage will be stronger and the "work" required to maintain a good relationship will feel like play. Little everyday habits can form a strong foundation that will lead to greater fulfillment. With a healthier marriage you'll both be happier and more prepared to face the other challenges in your lives. You'll feel more complete, and your children will have better childhoods and better examples for their future relationships. Few things in life are more rewarding than a happy marriage, and few things yield such a high return on investment.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is Love." -Sophocles
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Rules of Engagement
One of the most important skills any couple can learn is how to effectively work through conflict. Each partner brings different ideas and prejudices into a marriage, and there will always be a need for reconciliation. The daily pressures of making a living and raising children can add significantly to the difficulties faced by husbands and wives, and sometimes these stresses and pressures combine with explosive results.
In an ideal world every conflict and difference of opinion would be resolved logically and lovingly in an environment of safety and trust. Since the real world is less than ideal, however, it can be important for couples to learn when and how to argue in ways that minimize collateral damage and long-term effects. My wife and I are never at our best during an argument, so in our calmer moments (usually while we're apologizing to each other after a fight) we've created a few "rules of engagement" to help us avoid saying or doing things that could lead to bigger problems.
My wife and I don't argue frequently, but there are days when we just can't quite "connect," days when we get on each others' nerves, and days when everything falls apart. We've had a few fights we wish we could forget, but the bigger the fight the more reliable our memories seem to be, so we try to learn from each of our conflicts so we can avoid repeating them.
When I'm arguing with my wife and things reach a boiling point, my first instinct is to run away. Usually I get in the car and go for a drive, which gives me an opportunity to think things through. By the time I come home a few hours later I've calmed down and am ready to apologize. But while I'm gone she's alone at home without any way to resolve things, and she's told me how much it hurts when I run away. So recently I made a commitment that I wouldn't leave during an argument, and so far I've kept my promise (although it hasn't been easy).
Often during arguments my wife will begin to cry, which would break my heart under normal circumstances. But in the middle of an argument I'm torn between my desire to hug her and my desire not to show weakness or admit that I'm wrong (even though I often am). Recently she told me it was okay to hug her when she cries and that it doesn't mean I'm apologizing or that the fight is over.
We've also learned a few important strategies for avoiding arguments. We try not to bring up sensitive issues over the phone or in email messages, for example. And we try to avoid fighting in front of the kids. Every night before bed we set aside some time for talking. Our conversations are typically about trivial things, but occasionally we tackle sensitive issues and sometimes they turn into arguments. Neither of us is perfect, but we're both committed to doing the best we can. The process of making our two hearts into one began with "I do" and won't end until one of us stops trying. As long as we're committed to working through our differences, our relationship will continue to progress and we'll find solutions to the problems we're facing.
In an ideal world every conflict and difference of opinion would be resolved logically and lovingly in an environment of safety and trust. Since the real world is less than ideal, however, it can be important for couples to learn when and how to argue in ways that minimize collateral damage and long-term effects. My wife and I are never at our best during an argument, so in our calmer moments (usually while we're apologizing to each other after a fight) we've created a few "rules of engagement" to help us avoid saying or doing things that could lead to bigger problems.
My wife and I don't argue frequently, but there are days when we just can't quite "connect," days when we get on each others' nerves, and days when everything falls apart. We've had a few fights we wish we could forget, but the bigger the fight the more reliable our memories seem to be, so we try to learn from each of our conflicts so we can avoid repeating them.
When I'm arguing with my wife and things reach a boiling point, my first instinct is to run away. Usually I get in the car and go for a drive, which gives me an opportunity to think things through. By the time I come home a few hours later I've calmed down and am ready to apologize. But while I'm gone she's alone at home without any way to resolve things, and she's told me how much it hurts when I run away. So recently I made a commitment that I wouldn't leave during an argument, and so far I've kept my promise (although it hasn't been easy).
Often during arguments my wife will begin to cry, which would break my heart under normal circumstances. But in the middle of an argument I'm torn between my desire to hug her and my desire not to show weakness or admit that I'm wrong (even though I often am). Recently she told me it was okay to hug her when she cries and that it doesn't mean I'm apologizing or that the fight is over.
We've also learned a few important strategies for avoiding arguments. We try not to bring up sensitive issues over the phone or in email messages, for example. And we try to avoid fighting in front of the kids. Every night before bed we set aside some time for talking. Our conversations are typically about trivial things, but occasionally we tackle sensitive issues and sometimes they turn into arguments. Neither of us is perfect, but we're both committed to doing the best we can. The process of making our two hearts into one began with "I do" and won't end until one of us stops trying. As long as we're committed to working through our differences, our relationship will continue to progress and we'll find solutions to the problems we're facing.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Finding Peace
Sometimes in life we find ourselves struggling to deal with circumstances that are beyond our control. The death of loved ones or other serious losses can sometimes leave us bitter and resentful toward God. I commend those who have experienced the depths of sorrow and managed to emerge feeling closer to God. But for those who may find themselves feeling angry or unloved or unfairly treated after such a loss, there is a path to peace. Whether you're suffering from a recent wound or something that happened in the distant past, whether the pain is still sharp or has turned into a dull ache, know that God is still there for you, He still loves you, and His arms are eternally open for you.
In writing this I am thinking of a few people in particular. I'm thinking of a friend who lost her mother unexpectedly to cancer and hasn't attended church since that event occurred four years ago. I'm also thinking of an acquaintance whose child was hit by a car and killed many years ago, and one of her other children refused to believe that God could allow such a thing to happen.
Finally, I'm thinking of myself. Many years ago I experienced a significant loss, and while I believed I had accepted it and found serenity, I've unknowingly been harboring resentment. I didn't even realize it until yesterday, when I read something in the book "The Walk" by Richard Paul Evans. It's a work of fiction written from a first-person perspective. The main character lost his wife and was talking with a friend about his pain:
"Do you believe in God?"
"There's a question," I said.
"Does it have an answer?"
"Let's just say I'm much too angry at Him not to."
"You blame God for what happened to you?"
"Maybe. Probably."
She frowned, and I could tell that what I said had bothered her. "I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't. I just wonder why it is that we blame God for everything except the good. Did you blame Him for giving her to you in the first place? How many people go their whole lives and never get to experience that kind of love? You know, she's not really gone. She's still a part of you. What part of you is your choice. She can be a spring of gratitude and joy, or she can be a fountain of bitterness and pain. It is entirely up to you."
When I read those words I realized that I've been blaming God for my loss, when He was the one who gave me someone worth loving in the first place. It hurt to lose a friend, but it only hurt because God gave me a friend in the first place. How can I be angry when He simply took what He gave me in the first place?
Now I have a choice to make. I can continue to waste my energy on regret, anger and mourning, or I can rejoice in the blessings I once had and the memories that remain. I can choose to accept the past, to live in the present and to hope for a better future--a future free from bitterness. I can choose to make my peace with God.
In writing this I am thinking of a few people in particular. I'm thinking of a friend who lost her mother unexpectedly to cancer and hasn't attended church since that event occurred four years ago. I'm also thinking of an acquaintance whose child was hit by a car and killed many years ago, and one of her other children refused to believe that God could allow such a thing to happen.
Finally, I'm thinking of myself. Many years ago I experienced a significant loss, and while I believed I had accepted it and found serenity, I've unknowingly been harboring resentment. I didn't even realize it until yesterday, when I read something in the book "The Walk" by Richard Paul Evans. It's a work of fiction written from a first-person perspective. The main character lost his wife and was talking with a friend about his pain:
"Do you believe in God?"
"There's a question," I said.
"Does it have an answer?"
"Let's just say I'm much too angry at Him not to."
"You blame God for what happened to you?"
"Maybe. Probably."
She frowned, and I could tell that what I said had bothered her. "I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't. I just wonder why it is that we blame God for everything except the good. Did you blame Him for giving her to you in the first place? How many people go their whole lives and never get to experience that kind of love? You know, she's not really gone. She's still a part of you. What part of you is your choice. She can be a spring of gratitude and joy, or she can be a fountain of bitterness and pain. It is entirely up to you."
When I read those words I realized that I've been blaming God for my loss, when He was the one who gave me someone worth loving in the first place. It hurt to lose a friend, but it only hurt because God gave me a friend in the first place. How can I be angry when He simply took what He gave me in the first place?
Now I have a choice to make. I can continue to waste my energy on regret, anger and mourning, or I can rejoice in the blessings I once had and the memories that remain. I can choose to accept the past, to live in the present and to hope for a better future--a future free from bitterness. I can choose to make my peace with God.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
The Skating Lesson
Yesterday I joined my son's third grade class on a field trip to a local ice skating rink. I'm always search for metaphors that can help me understand life, and I found quite a few while I was observing him and his classmates. Most of them had very little skating experience, and when we first stepped onto the ice there were more kids lying on the ground than standing up. Here are some of the observations I made that I think are applicable to both skating and life:
-Learning how to get back up after you fall is one of the most important skills you can possess
-You learn how to catch yourself when you start to lose your balance long before you learn how to stay in balance
-Natural talent can go a long way: when I complimented a little girl who seemed to be one of the best skaters, she surprised me by saying, "This was my first time!"
-Comparing yourself to others often results in frustration and discouragement. If you've made even a little progress, you should be happy with your performance.
-The kids who weren't afraid of falling (taking risks) learned faster than the kids who took the timid approach.
-The kids who took the time to compliment my son even though he was struggling made his day (and mine).
-Sometimes you just need to sit down and rest for a while.
-You won't learn if someone's always holding you and is there to catch you every time you fall. You have to struggle on your own to discover your true abilities.
-Don't take it too seriously. Learn from your mistakes, be kind to others and have a little fun along the way!
-Learning how to get back up after you fall is one of the most important skills you can possess
-You learn how to catch yourself when you start to lose your balance long before you learn how to stay in balance
-Natural talent can go a long way: when I complimented a little girl who seemed to be one of the best skaters, she surprised me by saying, "This was my first time!"
-Comparing yourself to others often results in frustration and discouragement. If you've made even a little progress, you should be happy with your performance.
-The kids who weren't afraid of falling (taking risks) learned faster than the kids who took the timid approach.
-The kids who took the time to compliment my son even though he was struggling made his day (and mine).
-Sometimes you just need to sit down and rest for a while.
-You won't learn if someone's always holding you and is there to catch you every time you fall. You have to struggle on your own to discover your true abilities.
-Don't take it too seriously. Learn from your mistakes, be kind to others and have a little fun along the way!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Memorable Moments
Last night my 9-year-old son asked me to teach him how to play basketball. His friends at school are started to play "Elimination" at recess and he would like to be able to join them. We have a basketball hoop in our driveway that rarely gets used (I won it at a company party about twelve years ago). I pulled a vehicle out of the driveway so we would have room to play, and we found two basketballs and a volleyball in our garage.
I immediately realized that basketball is one of those things I can do, but I don't really know how I do it (which makes it hard to teach). My son is also left-handed, but he seemed to prefer shooting right-handed. We tried several different techniques and he struggled just to get the basketball as high as the rim. I tried lowering the hoop, but it seems that 10 feet is as low as it can go. We played for about an hour, and in that entire time he made exactly one basket ... with the volleyball. He was cheerful and happy the whole time, though, and it was actually pretty fun. It felt a little like a "rite of passage."
Recently my son and I have had several "memorable moments" like that. He won the 3rd grade spelling bee a couple of months ago, which also seemed like a "right of passage" because I used to compete in spelling bees when I was younger. For weeks afterward he carried his trophy around the house with him. He also asked me to teach him how to play chess recently, and at first I either beat him or let him win, but in a very short time he got pretty good and beat me in a legitimate game. As he gets older we'll have many more opportunities to spend quality time together, and I'm looking forward to them all.
I immediately realized that basketball is one of those things I can do, but I don't really know how I do it (which makes it hard to teach). My son is also left-handed, but he seemed to prefer shooting right-handed. We tried several different techniques and he struggled just to get the basketball as high as the rim. I tried lowering the hoop, but it seems that 10 feet is as low as it can go. We played for about an hour, and in that entire time he made exactly one basket ... with the volleyball. He was cheerful and happy the whole time, though, and it was actually pretty fun. It felt a little like a "rite of passage."
Recently my son and I have had several "memorable moments" like that. He won the 3rd grade spelling bee a couple of months ago, which also seemed like a "right of passage" because I used to compete in spelling bees when I was younger. For weeks afterward he carried his trophy around the house with him. He also asked me to teach him how to play chess recently, and at first I either beat him or let him win, but in a very short time he got pretty good and beat me in a legitimate game. As he gets older we'll have many more opportunities to spend quality time together, and I'm looking forward to them all.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friendship
With all of the technological advances the world has seen in recent years, no one has yet invented an adequate substitute for a friend. Some innovations, like Facebook, succeed precisely because they allow people to connect with friends in new and different ways. "Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is ... to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, and to be appreciated." Technology may provide entertainment, but understanding and appreciation can't be found in virtual realities.
I have been abundantly blessed with good friends throughout my life, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without the amazing people whose companionship and support molded my character and carried me through my darkest times. There are no legal obligations requiring friends to remain in each others' lives, yet many of my longest and deepest relationships have persisted solely on the basis of mutual willingness.
Even "obligatory" family relationships can benefit from being built on a foundation of friendship. You're expected to love your parents and siblings, but can you say you like them? Marriages, too, are best when friendship and love are intertwined, and when in the midst of raising kids and dealing with the pressures of life husbands and wives would rather be together than apart.
Very few things in life can exceed the value of a loyal friend. I'm grateful for the good friends with whom I have shared joys and sorrows, who were never offended when I said or did things I regretted, who knew my weaknesses but defended me anyway, and who were always there for me when I needed help or when I just needed someone to talk to.
I have been abundantly blessed with good friends throughout my life, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without the amazing people whose companionship and support molded my character and carried me through my darkest times. There are no legal obligations requiring friends to remain in each others' lives, yet many of my longest and deepest relationships have persisted solely on the basis of mutual willingness.
Even "obligatory" family relationships can benefit from being built on a foundation of friendship. You're expected to love your parents and siblings, but can you say you like them? Marriages, too, are best when friendship and love are intertwined, and when in the midst of raising kids and dealing with the pressures of life husbands and wives would rather be together than apart.
Very few things in life can exceed the value of a loyal friend. I'm grateful for the good friends with whom I have shared joys and sorrows, who were never offended when I said or did things I regretted, who knew my weaknesses but defended me anyway, and who were always there for me when I needed help or when I just needed someone to talk to.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The Alchemist
I just finished one of the most thought-provoking books I've ever read: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. The story is extraordinarily simple but deep and difficult to understand at the same time. Its precepts are an interesting mix of motivational theory and religion, but while I was reading it I kept finding quotes that jumped off the page and hit me like electricity. In some ways it felt like reading the Bible: I didn't understand everything, but I knew it was filled with wisdom.
When I finish reading most books I have a very clear idea of what they were about, and when people ask me about them I can summarize the basic concepts in a way that makes sense. The Alchemist is not one of those books, so all I can do is recommend reading it and let the book speak for itself. Here's a taste of what you'll find:
"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."
"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary."
"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."
"When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
"Fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand."
"The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."
"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."
"When we love, we always strive to be better than we are."
When I finish reading most books I have a very clear idea of what they were about, and when people ask me about them I can summarize the basic concepts in a way that makes sense. The Alchemist is not one of those books, so all I can do is recommend reading it and let the book speak for itself. Here's a taste of what you'll find:
"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."
"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary."
"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."
"When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
"Fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand."
"The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."
"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."
"When we love, we always strive to be better than we are."
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