Rules of Engagement

One of the most important skills any couple can learn is how to effectively work through conflict. Each partner brings different ideas and prejudices into a marriage, and there will always be a need for reconciliation. The daily pressures of making a living and raising children can add significantly to the difficulties faced by husbands and wives, and sometimes these stresses and pressures combine with explosive results.

In an ideal world every conflict and difference of opinion would be resolved logically and lovingly in an environment of safety and trust. Since the real world is less than ideal, however, it can be important for couples to learn when and how to argue in ways that minimize collateral damage and long-term effects. My wife and I are never at our best during an argument, so in our calmer moments (usually while we're apologizing to each other after a fight) we've created a few "rules of engagement" to help us avoid saying or doing things that could lead to bigger problems.

My wife and I don't argue frequently, but there are days when we just can't quite "connect," days when we get on each others' nerves, and days when everything falls apart. We've had a few fights we wish we could forget, but the bigger the fight the more reliable our memories seem to be, so we try to learn from each of our conflicts so we can avoid repeating them.

When I'm arguing with my wife and things reach a boiling point, my first instinct is to run away. Usually I get in the car and go for a drive, which gives me an opportunity to think things through. By the time I come home a few hours later I've calmed down and am ready to apologize. But while I'm gone she's alone at home without any way to resolve things, and she's told me how much it hurts when I run away. So recently I made a commitment that I wouldn't leave during an argument, and so far I've kept my promise (although it hasn't been easy).

Often during arguments my wife will begin to cry, which would break my heart under normal circumstances. But in the middle of an argument I'm torn between my desire to hug her and my desire not to show weakness or admit that I'm wrong (even though I often am). Recently she told me it was okay to hug her when she cries and that it doesn't mean I'm apologizing or that the fight is over.

We've also learned a few important strategies for avoiding arguments. We try not to bring up sensitive issues over the phone or in email messages, for example. And we try to avoid fighting in front of the kids. Every night before bed we set aside some time for talking. Our conversations are typically about trivial things, but occasionally we tackle sensitive issues and sometimes they turn into arguments. Neither of us is perfect, but we're both committed to doing the best we can. The process of making our two hearts into one began with "I do" and won't end until one of us stops trying. As long as we're committed to working through our differences, our relationship will continue to progress and we'll find solutions to the problems we're facing.