After writing and publishing “To My
Daughter, With Love” to offer my daughters guidance and direction and love and
support as they began their adult lives, I decided to engage in a similar
project for my son. The definition of masculinity is becoming increasingly
skewed by mainstream society. Machismo is often mistaken for manhood, and
fatherhood is persistently mocked in the public arena. Yet the need for good
men and for loving, strong, protective and involved fathers has never been
greater. I hope this book will touch the heart of every boy or man who reads it
and nurture within him a desire to become a true man.
What Is a True Man?
My son,
When I think about what it means to be a true man, there are two
images that come to mind. The first is a heavily-muscled fighting machine, a
man of few words who laughs in the face of pain, fears nothing and needs no
one. The second is, in my mind, both more desirable and more attainable. It is
the image of a man who cares deeply for the welfare of others and spends much
of his time and energy serving the ones he loves. He is not afraid to do hard
things, nor is he afraid to express his emotions: to cry and laugh and love and
act with courage even when he is afraid. He knows his weaknesses and readily
admits that there is much he has yet to learn. His hands are both strong enough
and gentle enough to protect the ones he loves. He never harms others except in
self-defense or in the defense of another. He champions freedom and can be
trusted with authority. He treats everyone fairly and respectfully as he works
steadily to improve himself and the world around him. He keeps his word, thinks
of others more often than he thinks of himself, and recognizes the need for
divine guidance in his life. This is the kind of man I am striving to become,
and the kind of man I hope you will be.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
A True Man
Respects Women and Children
My son,
A man never sinks lower than when he is mistreating a woman or a
child.
A true man loves children and respects his mother, his sisters,
female classmates and co-workers and friends and every woman he meets of any
age. He controls his anger and never threatens, intimidates or strikes a child
or a member of the opposite sex. He does not see women as objects or conquests.
He does not engage in offensive “locker-room talk” and is not emotionally or
physically promiscuous.
When I was in elementary school there was a girl to whom I was
attracted and with whom I had an intellectual rivalry of sorts. One day she
finished a math test faster than me, and in frustration I grabbed her paper and
wrote, “You pig!” in purple pen. I will never forget the hurt look on her face
when she read those words, and since that day I have done everything in my
power to bring joy to the women around me instead of pain.
In a romantic relationship a true man is giving and honest and
committed and gentle. He actively works to ensure the happiness of his partner
and treats her with deference in public and private. He is faithful to her,
protects her honor and participates in an equal partnership with her. He always
speaks kindly to her and about her and gives her the freedom and support she
needs to achieve her full potential.
When I was old enough to start dating I invited a girl to attend a
church meeting with me. At the end of the meeting I escorted her to my car and
opened the passenger door for her. An older man who was passing by complimented
me on being a gentleman and said he hoped I would always endeavor to treat
women with that kind of respect. I have tried to follow the advice he gave me,
and I hope you will do the same.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
A True Man
Protects the Innocent
My son,
A true man protects the innocent. He does not hurt others
physically or emotionally, especially those who are too weak to defend
themselves. Instead he uses his strength to keep others from being harmed, and
he isn't afraid to ask for help when his own strength is inadequate for the
task at hand.
When I was very young I was one of the smaller kids in my age
group at school, which meant I was a target for bullies. As I began to grow
there was a short period of time when I was bigger and stronger than most of
the other kids, and instead of using my strength for better purposes I briefly
became a bully myself. It is truly one of my greatest regrets, and if not for a
small act of kindness that changed the course of my life I might have continued
hurting others. When I was 14 years old I went camping with my Boy Scout
troop. Our camp site was at the top of a steep hill, and every day two boys
were assigned to pick up food at the camp's main kitchen, which was located at
the bottom of the hill. It was a long and arduous walk, so at lunchtime the day
my friend and I were assigned this duty we decided to take a shortcut through
another camp. The troop leader, who had probably dealt with plenty of unwanted
people taking shortcuts through his camp that week, asked us to please go
around. We grudgingly obeyed, but made plans to dump out their coolers in the
middle of the night. At dinnertime as we were coming back from the kitchen,
dutifully taking the long way around, the troop leader saw us and came over to
thank us for not walking through his camp. Then he gave us each a candy bar.
Standing there with that candy bar in my hand I realized that there was a
better way to live. That night, instead of sabotaging their camp, my friend and
I talked about the merits of kindness.
Though I haven't always been as kind to others as I would like to
be, I have never forgotten the lesson I learned from a stranger that day and
have built my life around the idea that simple acts of kindness can have
profound and permanent positive impacts on the human souls in our love-starved
world.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
A True Man Serves
Others
My son,
A true man recognizes that life is not just for living, but also
for giving. He is aware of the needs of those around him and willingly
sacrifices his time and material means for their benefit. He provides for his
family and works to ensure the well-being of everyone within his ever-expanding
circle of influence.
Early in my career I experienced a frustrating setback. I had been
working for a company that was sold, and the new management team didn't value
my skills or contribution. Feeling that I had failed, I chose to pursue another
opportunity. As I was cleaning out my office on my last day of employment I
found a mission statement that I had written prior to taking the job. It simply
said, “I want to make a positive difference in the lives of others.” Tears
filled my eyes as I realized that I had accomplished exactly what I set out to
accomplish. I had acted with integrity. I had created an environment where
people felt comfortable speaking openly, and where they felt appreciated. I had
built a team that shared a strong sense of purpose, camaraderie and mutual respect.
In the end, what mattered most was the people I was able to influence for good.
A true man is always serving others: in his work, in his home
life, in his community, and in his leisure time. He does not seek recognition
and praise, but quietly works to change lives and hearts. Throughout your life
you will have many opportunities to make a positive difference for others. As
you continually give with no thought of reward you will experience a sense of
satisfaction and wholeness that can be found in no other way. Every small
act of service makes someone's world better, and since we're all serving a life
sentence on this planet we might as well make it a better experience for
ourselves and others by ceaselessly serving selflessly.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
A True Man
Champions Freedom
My son,
A true man recognizes that all human beings are free to think and
act for themselves. He never uses force or manipulation to coerce others;
rather, he endeavors to help them understand the consequences of their actions
and encourages them to use their freedom wisely. While he may not always agree
with the choices that others make, he actively defends their right to make
them.
As you have matured and demonstrated that you can be trusted with
increased freedom, I have allowed you to make more and more of your own
choices. But with this freedom comes increased responsibility. You are free to
choose your own path in life, but you will find that in the long run you cannot
control the positive or negative consequences of your decisions. Learn from the
mistakes of others, learn from your own mistakes when you make them, and seek
throughout your life to obtain the benefits that only positive choices can
bring.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
A True Man Seeks
Wisdom
My son,
A true man is a lifelong learner. He obtains as much formal
education as he can and doesn't stop learning when he leaves the classroom. His
goal is to continually acquire new knowledge and share it with others.
When I was newly married I spent more time than I would like to
admit playing video games. After staying up late one too many times and barely
making it through my workday, I realized that if I spent as much time studying
as I did playing video games I could easily earn a college degree. So I set the
games aside and enrolled in a local school. When I graduated a new world of
opportunity opened up to me, and my thirst for knowledge continued to
increase. I devoured every book I could get my hands on, learned to play piano,
looked for opportunities to progress in my career and began teaching in a
variety of settings.
As you make lifelong learning a part of who you are, you will find
the strength to overcome obstacles and your ability to help others and make the
world a better place will be significantly expanded.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
A True Man Walks
with God
My son,
A true man acknowledges the existence of a higher power and seeks
to be guided by the inner voice that God has placed within him. By listening to
that voice you will be able to find the path that leads to happiness.
One night while you were still young I was driving home from work
and began to feel overwhelmed by the immense weight of my accumulated shame,
regret and guilt. With tears streaming down my face I prayed to God and told
Him that if this pain was the result of trying to live life my own way then I
didn't want to do it my way anymore. That night I surrendered my heart to God
and allowed Him to direct my footsteps. In time He took my burdens and gave me
a new heart. I promise that as you seek to understand the ways of God and to
build a relationship with Him, you will discover His plan for your life and be
given the strength to faithfully overcome every difficulty you encounter.
I'm proud of you. I have always loved you and I always will. I
know you have what it takes to become and remain a true man, and I am honored
to call you my son.
Love always,
Dad
Dad
