Becoming a True Man

After writing and publishing “To My Daughter, With Love” to offer my daughters guidance and direction and love and support as they began their adult lives, I decided to engage in a similar project for my son. The definition of masculinity is becoming increasingly skewed by mainstream society. Machismo is often mistaken for manhood, and fatherhood is persistently mocked in the public arena. Yet the need for good men and for loving, strong, protective and involved fathers has never been greater. I hope this book will touch the heart of every boy or man who reads it and nurture within him a desire to become a true man.

What Is a True Man?

My son,

When I think about what it means to be a true man, there are two images that come to mind. The first is a heavily-muscled fighting machine, a man of few words who laughs in the face of pain, fears nothing and needs no one. The second is, in my mind, both more desirable and more attainable. It is the image of a man who cares deeply for the welfare of others and spends much of his time and energy serving the ones he loves. He is not afraid to do hard things, nor is he afraid to express his emotions: to cry and laugh and love and act with courage even when he is afraid. He knows his weaknesses and readily admits that there is much he has yet to learn. His hands are both strong enough and gentle enough to protect the ones he loves. He never harms others except in self-defense or in the defense of another. He champions freedom and can be trusted with authority. He treats everyone fairly and respectfully as he works steadily to improve himself and the world around him. He keeps his word, thinks of others more often than he thinks of himself, and recognizes the need for divine guidance in his life. This is the kind of man I am striving to become, and the kind of man I hope you will be.

Love always,
Dad 

A True Man Respects Women and Children

My son,

A man never sinks lower than when he is mistreating a woman or a child.

A true man loves children and respects his mother, his sisters, female classmates and co-workers and friends and every woman he meets of any age. He controls his anger and never threatens, intimidates or strikes a child or a member of the opposite sex. He does not see women as objects or conquests. He does not engage in offensive “locker-room talk” and is not emotionally or physically promiscuous.

When I was in elementary school there was a girl to whom I was attracted and with whom I had an intellectual rivalry of sorts. One day she finished a math test faster than me, and in frustration I grabbed her paper and wrote, “You pig!” in purple pen. I will never forget the hurt look on her face when she read those words, and since that day I have done everything in my power to bring joy to the women around me instead of pain.

In a romantic relationship a true man is giving and honest and committed and gentle. He actively works to ensure the happiness of his partner and treats her with deference in public and private. He is faithful to her, protects her honor and participates in an equal partnership with her. He always speaks kindly to her and about her and gives her the freedom and support she needs to achieve her full potential.

When I was old enough to start dating I invited a girl to attend a church meeting with me. At the end of the meeting I escorted her to my car and opened the passenger door for her. An older man who was passing by complimented me on being a gentleman and said he hoped I would always endeavor to treat women with that kind of respect. I have tried to follow the advice he gave me, and I hope you will do the same.

Love always,
Dad

A True Man Protects the Innocent

My son,

A true man protects the innocent. He does not hurt others physically or emotionally, especially those who are too weak to defend themselves. Instead he uses his strength to keep others from being harmed, and he isn't afraid to ask for help when his own strength is inadequate for the task at hand.

When I was very young I was one of the smaller kids in my age group at school, which meant I was a target for bullies. As I began to grow there was a short period of time when I was bigger and stronger than most of the other kids, and instead of using my strength for better purposes I briefly became a bully myself. It is truly one of my greatest regrets, and if not for a small act of kindness that changed the course of my life I might have continued hurting others. When I was 14 years old I went camping with my Boy Scout troop. Our camp site was at the top of a steep hill, and every day two boys were assigned to pick up food at the camp's main kitchen, which was located at the bottom of the hill. It was a long and arduous walk, so at lunchtime the day my friend and I were assigned this duty we decided to take a shortcut through another camp. The troop leader, who had probably dealt with plenty of unwanted people taking shortcuts through his camp that week, asked us to please go around. We grudgingly obeyed, but made plans to dump out their coolers in the middle of the night. At dinnertime as we were coming back from the kitchen, dutifully taking the long way around, the troop leader saw us and came over to thank us for not walking through his camp. Then he gave us each a candy bar. Standing there with that candy bar in my hand I realized that there was a better way to live. That night, instead of sabotaging their camp, my friend and I talked about the merits of kindness.

Though I haven't always been as kind to others as I would like to be, I have never forgotten the lesson I learned from a stranger that day and have built my life around the idea that simple acts of kindness can have profound and permanent positive impacts on the human souls in our love-starved world.

Love always,
Dad

A True Man Serves Others

My son,

A true man recognizes that life is not just for living, but also for giving. He is aware of the needs of those around him and willingly sacrifices his time and material means for their benefit. He provides for his family and works to ensure the well-being of everyone within his ever-expanding circle of influence.

Early in my career I experienced a frustrating setback. I had been working for a company that was sold, and the new management team didn't value my skills or contribution. Feeling that I had failed, I chose to pursue another opportunity. As I was cleaning out my office on my last day of employment I found a mission statement that I had written prior to taking the job. It simply said, “I want to make a positive difference in the lives of others.” Tears filled my eyes as I realized that I had accomplished exactly what I set out to accomplish. I had acted with integrity. I had created an environment where people felt comfortable speaking openly, and where they felt appreciated. I had built a team that shared a strong sense of purpose, camaraderie and mutual respect. In the end, what mattered most was the people I was able to influence for good.

A true man is always serving others: in his work, in his home life, in his community, and in his leisure time. He does not seek recognition and praise, but quietly works to change lives and hearts. Throughout your life you will have many opportunities to make a positive difference for others. As you continually give with no thought of reward you will experience a sense of satisfaction and wholeness that can be found in no other way. Every small act of service makes someone's world better, and since we're all serving a life sentence on this planet we might as well make it a better experience for ourselves and others by ceaselessly serving selflessly.

Love always,
Dad

A True Man Champions Freedom

My son,

A true man recognizes that all human beings are free to think and act for themselves. He never uses force or manipulation to coerce others; rather, he endeavors to help them understand the consequences of their actions and encourages them to use their freedom wisely. While he may not always agree with the choices that others make, he actively defends their right to make them.

As you have matured and demonstrated that you can be trusted with increased freedom, I have allowed you to make more and more of your own choices. But with this freedom comes increased responsibility. You are free to choose your own path in life, but you will find that in the long run you cannot control the positive or negative consequences of your decisions. Learn from the mistakes of others, learn from your own mistakes when you make them, and seek throughout your life to obtain the benefits that only positive choices can bring.

Love always,
Dad

A True Man Seeks Wisdom

My son,

A true man is a lifelong learner. He obtains as much formal education as he can and doesn't stop learning when he leaves the classroom. His goal is to continually acquire new knowledge and share it with others.

When I was newly married I spent more time than I would like to admit playing video games. After staying up late one too many times and barely making it through my workday, I realized that if I spent as much time studying as I did playing video games I could easily earn a college degree. So I set the games aside and enrolled in a local school. When I graduated a new world of opportunity opened up to me, and my thirst for knowledge continued to increase. I devoured every book I could get my hands on, learned to play piano, looked for opportunities to progress in my career and began teaching in a variety of settings.

As you make lifelong learning a part of who you are, you will find the strength to overcome obstacles and your ability to help others and make the world a better place will be significantly expanded.

Love always,
Dad

A True Man Walks with God

My son,

A true man acknowledges the existence of a higher power and seeks to be guided by the inner voice that God has placed within him. By listening to that voice you will be able to find the path that leads to happiness.

One night while you were still young I was driving home from work and began to feel overwhelmed by the immense weight of my accumulated shame, regret and guilt. With tears streaming down my face I prayed to God and told Him that if this pain was the result of trying to live life my own way then I didn't want to do it my way anymore. That night I surrendered my heart to God and allowed Him to direct my footsteps. In time He took my burdens and gave me a new heart. I promise that as you seek to understand the ways of God and to build a relationship with Him, you will discover His plan for your life and be given the strength to faithfully overcome every difficulty you encounter.

I'm proud of you. I have always loved you and I always will. I know you have what it takes to become and remain a true man, and I am honored to call you my son.

Love always,
Dad